EDIT: 's sister knocked together a totallys kick-ass video based on the essay below. I laughed like a bastard! Check it out! [link]

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Independence Day
a short essay dictated by G. Bomango, esq.
transcribed by gallery curator

Back in the day, in the years of seventeen-hundred and eighty billion, it was a much different time in the Americas. Paul Revere and the Raiders had just made chart-buster musical hits and it made the British peoples to be pissed off because the Beatles was not yet invented. And so the British began to tea-bagging the American peoples and made them to wear foofy wigs and tight pants. This was epidemic of terrible proportions, and so angry Americans got together and tea-bagged a bunch of English guys HARD in the Boston Harbor and it was a massacre to behold.

Then a bunch of mans got together to write a breaking-up letter to England because it was America, dammit, and they wanted to eat apple pies and pizza and drink the cold beers instead of the boiled sheep guts and whatever icky snot-food they eats over there in British Isles. It was at this time that Sam Adams made his first Boston lagers from the actual blood of patriots, which was very metal.

Anyways, when they send their letter of "SCREW YOU DANDY PRICKS" to British, the British got all mad and sent some guys in silly red coats over to kick some asses, but Paul Revere and his band wrote this one badass song with a guitar lick played by no one other than George Washington that waked up the whole country and they all got their guns and won this HUGE battle at Helm's Deep. There was even this one fight where William Wallace decided he was going to be on America's team and totally kicked ass in the Patriot, but that was before he was all about hating juice or something.

To pay for the American War of Independence and Justice for All, Ben Franklin invented lots of one hundred dollar bills and used electricity from his kite to make the first Tesla Coil, which incinerated so many British forces they gave him a month off to go knock boots in France. Even though he was fat and kind of ugly, Ben Franklin was a total poling machine and if it was possible to sex your way to total victory in war, he would has been a general and probably president for life.

But just before Independence Day, when all the fireworks stores has this HUGE sale and hot dogs for the kids, the damned aliens came and blew up New York. Will Smith was all like "DAYUM!" and so he snap to action in his fighting jet and got this one alien and was all like "WELCOME TO ERFF!" and then he PUNCH him, right into the damn face. It was so hardcore. But still more stuff blew up, and the dog did not die for some reason, and Bill Pullman was president long enough to declare it was finally Independence Day.

And so it was that America becomed free. Except for black peoples.

        So on the fourth of Julys, it is common tradition in the Americas to blow things up and laugh at English people and crank some Nugent while drinking lots and lots of beers. Only last year, mine neighbor got drunk and blew off two of his fingers trying to set off this badass fireworks pack he had, so if you is weak and stupid and wants to keep all of your fingers and heads GO SOMEWHERES ELSE because in America we do not mess around.  I has this HUGE pile of explodies that I is going to set off that will make peoples crap their pants all the way over in China.

        AMERICANS NEED NO PERMITS!


-Gogo Ayo Gigamoto Bomango, totallys American.