before i call it a night, some thoughts as we American running-dogs turn our lonely eyes to Joe DiMaggio...er, Independence Day...

Fascinating statistics rear their ugly heads around holidays, particularly holidays that are known for drinkin' and general rascalism, and in the case of July 4th, drinkin', rascalism, and blowing crap up. Several hundred American citizens will die this weekend from any one of the following tragedies:

Drunkin' wheelin'
Drunkin' fightin'
Drunkin' firecrackin'
Lookin' down the tube of a firework launcher to examine a dud.
Massive bodily injuries sustained from proximity to fireworks.

But let's not focus on the percentage of the population who will succumb to Darwinian justice. After all, Death is just nature's way of saying "STOP SCREWING SO DAMN MUCH AND HAVING BABIES!" while trying to restore balance, you see.

No sir, i just want to reflect a second on our sacred independence from Britain oh so many years ago, when we as a nation opened up our eyes and proudly declared that all men are created equal (except for injuns and "colored" folks) and that somewhere in the course of human events it becomes necessary to throw off the chains of the oppressors from another country and get to forgin' our own. Because it's not imperialism if you're a colony yourself.

A lot has happened since then to us as a country. We've lurched forward, expanding westward and subjugating frontiers and their peoples, giving room to our debauched tendencies while managing a stiffly constipated air of moral superiority. We've fought war after war and gave the world the biggest fireworks display ever courtesy of the good sports at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Somewhere along the line we grudgingly admitted that minorities may technically be human as well. We discovered free love and the joy of music before we shellacked it and vacuum-sealed it for mass distribution. We learned as a whole the evils of war and the rifts it opens between man and his fellow man, then conveniently set these lessons aside for reasons we can't quite place. We held hands as a nation in 2001 and felt a solidarity in our desolation, finding strength in one another as a united whole before disintegrating back into a super-mutated form of bipartisanship.

It is in the spirit of Blessed Independence that i stop and consider this holiday, and like a million others before me attempt to connect the birth of a new and technically free nation by hauling out the byword of our times: freedom.

We are free to buy things, and free to get snarled up in debt for the rest of our conscious lives. We're free to criticize our government, and if we're rich, we're free to actually influence it as well. We're free to believe we have a say in the world, because why not? We're free to believe damn near anything because the truth is probably too horrible, and if we sink into despair we will not buy as many things. We're free to believe that we're free, because we're told that big, scary governments are a thing of the past. We're free to be at the mercy of oil because we're not free to stop using it. We're free to recycle and believe we can help the environment.

We're free because men and women have died for our rights, and we're told we're free because they're still dying to protect that freedom. Or the freedom of others. I forget which strain of freedom, but...FREEDOM!

everybody is free...to wear sunscreen!

"Free" is a weird word. Say it often enough and it sounds made up.

i dunno that we really need an excuse to celebrate, although i'll admit we could use more summer holidays, and this is a worthy enough occasion.

I love this country. I hate it, too. Contrary to what some ignorant pricks will tell you, that is entirely normal. If you fall on one side or the other exclusively, then you're a delusional case. I'll never say America is #1 because what does that mean anyway? Is there a race? I've never been to any other country...there's probably some really great ones out there. But i live here and i like it enough. It's filled with the best people i know and a whole lot of jerkoffs too. There are a ton of smart people and a ton of dumb ones (self probably included). So what? that's the world, right?

At any rate, have a good 4th, my fellow united states of americans (and the rest of you people living in the Americas from the north to the south pole have a good day too, sorry we keep stealing the continental name for ourselves) Have a beer and a hot dog and try not to lose any fingers this year.

ja, mata